Starting a journal....a new step in life

After a rough few weeks. I have decided to start a blog. My life isn't as exciting as all these busy and exciting moms and families, but it is interesting at times..lol. I have began counseling this past week. After going through a miscarriage, a good friend passing away and somewhat of a relationship disaster, I was on the verge of breaking. Her first suggestion was to start a journal and not keep my thoughts and feelings inside. So here it goes...

September 11, 2008; Me and Adam are going to my first appointment to see this curve ball i was tossed. I worked the night before and was crying and worrying most of night due to the fact I received a call on my to work saying Patrick was in a bad wreck and things weren't looking good. The night was long and finally I went home and got a few hours of sleep and came back to Jasper to see the Doctor. After the paperwork and boring stuff was done. We got to see the little bean on the ultrasound. It was a tiny dot and I think Adam was expecting a better picture..lol We left with the Due date of May 4th. We were both scared to death but was told everything happens for a reason. The next few days were motionless...I told a few close friends but knew being only 6 weeks pregnant the chance of something to happen is high. Many tears were shed that weekend. With the passing of Fletch. He will be missed that's for sure... The day of his funeral I was cramping a bit and a few other things but I figured I was tired and would go to bed early that night. I called Dr. Brown and he told me as long as It wasn't Bright Red bleeding that this was all normal in pregnancy. Th next morning I woke up alarmed I was beginning to have those symptoms. I Called in at work and told them and my luck my doc was out and three of the other ob docs were at a conference.. so there was one doctor left making rounds and I came in he did and ultrasound and told me the heart breaking news that the little peanut didn't have a heartbeat...That was the longest drive home in my life. The next morning I went to see my ob and he gave me the option of cytotec a med that helps soften the cervix or a D&C. I really didn't want to go through surgery so I said i would give it a try. wow that stuff set me through the wall with pain! It was a long weekend and within a week everything passed and things were getting better. So here I am now...
Each day is hard especially when people are just hearing the news that I'm pregnant and congratulate me and then when they see the look on my face, the silence is heart breaking. I love my job, but going back a 5 days after losing a baby and being with 7 pregnant co-workers, new mothers and babies took me everything I had to get through the twelve hour days. My family and friends have been great, I want to thank everyone for the calls, cards, and messages it brought a smile on my face. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and he will run my hcg levels and make sure they are back to zero, since I chose to not have a D& C. Wish me luck. I'm off the next four days and plan to spend alot of time with my nieces and Adam. he leaves for st Louis Sunday for 10 days...:(

Sorry the next post will be shorter I promise...

Love
Kaycee